Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
