Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
