Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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