you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
