Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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