I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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