Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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