so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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