yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
