Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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