Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
