So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
