Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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