Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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