i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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