Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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