i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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