Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
