I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Randomize
