The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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