i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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