Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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