I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
