Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
