Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
