i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
