Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
