he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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