i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I supernannyed him into submission
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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