Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
