Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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