while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
