Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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