I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Randomize
