I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
