I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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