he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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