my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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