I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Randomize
