I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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