When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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