I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
You did what with his pubic hair?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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