I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
