If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
