You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
