No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
