dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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