I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
