god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
