Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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