a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
