She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
