She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
