Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
