I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
