I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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