yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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