my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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