How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I think your dad took our porno
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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