Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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