he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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