Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize