If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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