I wannas sexs uuuuu
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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